Something happened today, it doesn’t matter what and I’m still trying to figure it out but it got me thinking. I should also say don’t worry (if you were worried) everything’s fine.
The past couple of weeks I have loved being in
But then today happened and I still love
And to be honest it is exhausting, but that’s not the only thing that’s bothering me. For my first few weeks here I felt really bad. I wanted to give and would have left everything behind for whoever wanted it. I would feel bad as I walked past someone on the street asking for money and continue to think about them for blocks as I continued to walk. When someone at a school or organization asked for something I started trying to think of ways I could help. But once you also place this in the context that you have to constantly wonder if people want to get to know you for you or because you are a muzungu and have money. Or that you constantly have to watch your stuff because the second you feel confident that its safe is the very minute someone tries to reach into your backpack to get it.
Now I find that when I walk past someone on the street I barely think about them. Or if someone asks me for my clothes or my extra fabric, inside I get really angry, furious. In the village I went to a primary school and the kids spoke in unison a greeting to us telling us that we were welcome and that they were in a bad condition and needed our help. For the rest of my time there I couldn’t focus on the needs of the school. I role my eyes every time I get asked for money. I hate it.
So I guess basically I’m saying that I’m afraid I’m becoming heartless, and at the same time heartbroken that I feel I can’t trust anyone and always question their motives.
2 comments:
I think the fact that you are aware of this feeling means that you aren't becoming heartless at all. you are one of the least heartless people i have ever met. but i understand that it is difficult.
also, uganda is far away and i want us to live close to each other so we can hang out all of the time. but i'm just selfish. :)
It is pretty natural to become somewhat unaffected by that which takes place on a daily/regular basis. It is no different that how people who walk in the city everyday might respond to the homeless on the street trying to sell their Streetwise newspaper for spending money.
You are definitely not becoming heartless. You are processing what is happening around you in a different way now that you are no longer so new to the cultural and economic landscape of Uganda.
Your concern for the plight of the people in Uganda is still alive. You are just going through an adjustment as your mind is realigning itself to your new reality. This new awareness will help you better appreciate and recognize who is genuine and who is not and who will best benefit from your gifts and talent.
Keep safe, hang in there, and keep the faith! :)
-Rick
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